Andria Miguez

So what have I been doing for the past (almost) two years? #1. Moved to Oregon, #2. I found myself(bits and pieces along the road), #3 Had a baby boy, Bodhi Royal, #4. Moved back to Houston.
There are more than a few details within those milestones. But how do you put them into words?
Moving to Oregon in a brand new relationship without a plan in the world, proved to be an awakening of its own. I died a succession of deaths (egoically speaking) during my Oregon adventure: the inital move, getting off anti-depressants as well as adderall, being unstable in an unstable relationship, pregnancy, birthing and nursing Bodhi, and my return to houston.
So now is the task of creating my life. I’m not sure of where this road leads me, but that was never a certainty anyways. I do know this, I’ve got music in my bones… my music I will play. Gratefully I have the opportunity to play with a stellar human: Pete “Simple”. We will be playing here and there, as often as I get the opportunity.
First up: a benefit(for refugee youth from Burma 5-10pm) this Thurs @ Boheme’s from 6-730, alongside artists Phara Charmchi and Frank Freeman. Also on Saturday from 8-12 @ Firkin and Phoenix with artists Pete Simple and Jason Spencer. I’m excited to be back, to dust off my guitar as well as my vocals and to play music again. It’d be wonderful to see you out… for old times sake, as well as new:).
With Much Love,
Andria

I have always been troubled by death. It freaked me out… felt suffocating. I mean what happens when you die??? No one could possibly know, can they?
Well yesterday I made some tea, and put a couple ice cubes in to cool it off. As I stirred it, i watched the ice cubes melt away…seemingly to disappear. But they hadn’t they had just transformed to water. And I got to thinking about death, and how we never die, we just transform to another realm. That night I was meditating, and I experienced the joy of being, the joy of now, of nothing…. no thing. A knowing raced through my body. I felt such peace with death as well as life.

So its been interesting to keep coming back to possibility… but incredibly helpful:). Cause’ let me tell you… I’ve wanted to give up on love peace and inspiration and give in to resignation and cynicism-permanently!!
Soooo I’ve had this LONG standing story that “I’m a horrible communicator”. The truth is… that’s just not true:) I was talking to on of my coaches and he told me the Landmark definition of “being powerful”: being straight with your communication and taking what you get. And I got it!!! Often in my intimate relationships(more so than any other relationships), there is a definite pattern, when it comes down to sharing myself or taking a stand for what i believe, I “loose my voice”. I stammer, back pedal, turn mute, get frustrated, it looks like what one might call…”no back bone”. So what I got….is that very rarely am i actually STRAIGHT with my communication. I’m consistently trying to get, in this case, Andrew, to see my side, to understand, to agree with me… which is very much the opposite of straight. It’s actually manipulative…ew how ugly is that. but i’m glad i see it cause now i can act accordingly:)

I created a game. The game is to not give up on possibilities for 100 days, no matter how futile it all seems. This is day 2…. I believe I almost gave up yesterday until Andrew reminded me of my commitment. What do I mean by giving up? I mean not giving into self hate, sucked into the past meaning anything about my future. Being open to the whispers of the universe, there is forever something to be said about all that can not be seen. Really getting that all I have is a sliver of life’s tasty pie, one perspective out of infinity. Why? When you’re sucked in to dwelling on past experience there is no room for brilliance and creation to flourish. So 100 days with positive outlook and effort without any evidence anything will ever be any different.

I have much debt i acquired last year which was only compounded by my move to Oregon in November. I’ve bee avoiding the phone calls like the plague because #1: I don’t have a job so no money and # 2 I’m so embarrassed of my failure to create success here in Eugene. Yesterday I called to get help with all of my debt… as oppose to avoiding it for the umpteenth time.

To be continued….

Who I am is the possibility of Love, Peace, and Inspiration.
The Act I am giving up is “You don’t love me”.
And that’s who I am!!

Didn’t intend to blog in this moment… but I accidentally clicked on the link for my web page. So, must be meant to be:)
blog blog blogity blog blog. Does that count??? Dang it!!
What is “true” for me in this moment? I’m a little scared that there’s nothing inside me. I’ve been lying to myself all this time, I have no worth to give to this world, I’m a fake and a joke, that i should wake up because I’m wasting my precious life. Coupled with I couldn’t make a difference even if I tried and I don’t want to anyways. And the icing on the cake: I’m a horrible writer.
Actually now that I really look at it, i’m terrified of writing. Why? OK… stream of consciousness: no one will understand me, no one cares, I’m incapable of communicating with any one unless speaking in fragmented sentences, I suck, no one will read it… everyone will read it and know the truth that I’m a complete crazy idiot, it takes too much time, there’s nothing inside, i’m a fake and a joke…. repeat paragraph here.
it seems this story repeats it self throughout my entire reality as well. yucky ducky and a turkey lurkey doo da day!!!
my mind is arguing: i don’t know what to do, i can’t get out, leave me alone.
Oooh I just got it, I’m scared of writing because I’ve been believing all my thoughts and feelings about writing!!!! Ta daaaa:D
its all one perspective out of a kazillion, and it just happens to be complete crap… and let me tell you it is so stinky!!
OK… The point. This story/perspective/belief has left me being resigned and scared. It is costing me my playfulness, self expression, passion, possibilities. And what is behind this mind operation… the big ol’ ugly truth. I don’t have to be responsible for my life or my happiness, and I get to sit around complaining that my life is less than it could be (well no doo doo mama… with an attitude like that!!). I get to justify my feelings of frustration, depression, sadness. I’ve got all kinds of amazing reasons to be depressed and incapable of achieving anything in this life. And I don’t have to do anything about it!!!
So in the face of all that i think I’ll say: thank you for sharing sweet mind of mine, today I’m being something different. I’m being courageous, lightness, and perseverance. How can I get better at this unless i start doing it??
So here I publish, imperfections and all, on the road to freedom writing.

Change happens so quickly, doesn’t it?
Makes me wonder why anyone every worries in the first place. Like Houston weather: if you don’t like it, wait a day or so.
I don’t really have an idea of what “it” looks like, or how “it” should be. Mostly I’m trying to remain clear with what is.
I hate writing things like this, like everyone doesn’t already know these things anyways, ” live in the now”….blah!
But I do think that way. However cheesy it sounds. I’m embarrassed to read the cliche’ ideas that are typed for whoever to read. Feeling a desire for difference, to make a difference in this egoic world. Ahhhh, Andria, Breathe…

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

~ Rumi ~

To every man there comes in his lifetime that special moment when he is figuratively tapped on the shoulder and offered a chance to do a very special thing, unique to him and fitted to his talents; what a tragedy if that moment finds him unprepared or unqualified for the work which would be his finest hour…Sir Winston Churchill

There is a time and the time is now. There is a moment and the moment is now. Life is full of uncertainties, full of disappointments, full of strife and full questions every BEING on this earth must face. The most important aspect of life, namely the turmoil, is how you view it. Do you see your hardships for what they truly are…a blessing? When I look back on the life I have led, there is a part of me full of regret and sorrow. And I have to look internally to rid myself of this angst. The regret and sorrow comes from the mere knowledge that I have not lived up to the potential within me. The question I ask myself at this point is…have I really lived or merely existed? The answer is the latter. The time is now, I have to live for myself and no one else. I keep holding on to ghosts, to mere fantasies that don’t exist, that never existed. So how do you let go of a figment of your imagination, of who you THINK you are?

The dawn of a new is upon me…I must seek out consciousness, if not I will continue existing rather living. My fear is that I will not be prepared for that moment when I will be tapped on the shoulder and offered my chance to be great. My fear is that moment has already relinquished to the shadows of my past. I am special…I have an immense potential and how sad would it be if I miss my moment to do the work of my finest hour? I look within for strength, support, and stillness.  I have to know that I am better off because of it.

Breathe